Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
