Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
