when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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