I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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