i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
