I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
