my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
