Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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