I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
