Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
