booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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