What a fucking waste of an outfit
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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