Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
