matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
