You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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