I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dicks are not precious.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
