Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
