You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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