I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize