i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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