Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
