how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
