So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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