u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
