i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
