Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
