My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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