just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
