my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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