his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
