So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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