Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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