Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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