Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
