if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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