My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
