After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
