My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
