Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
