I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
