My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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