farters have to be the big spoon...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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