Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
