i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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