if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I want a musical about memes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
