She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
