the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
