coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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