I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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