I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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