Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
