even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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