her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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