Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
