I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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