I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
