Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
