dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
